HOME SWEET HOME!!! This is the Denver, Colorado temple. Derek and I were married here nearly 10 years ago. This past year I spent a lot of time pondering what it means to have an eternal family. We have recieved many answers, and much peace. We are so grateful for all of our blessings, especially this time of year as we focus more on the Savior. Everyday I feel stronger somehow, but also afraid of "WHO" I will be if this pregnancy fails. We are spending so much time in prayer, trying to "Plead" for this baby to make it. This time around Miss Kate is on board and is so excited for her "sister "Jasmine", who will come out wearing a purple gown and will have golden locks of hair like her!" I terrifies me to have to tell the kids again, the boys are already prepared, but Kate would be confused. I am telling myself all the things I am supposed to, and I do truly feel it will work out this time. We know in the end it is already going to be what it will, and we need to trust the Lord. I keep telling myself that, and trying so hard not to "get excited." I know that sounds depressing, but I dont know how I will be if this happens again! I'd like to say strong, but a part of me will feel like something will be taken away from me. I hope in the end we will have a happy, healthy baby and can just move on. I have so many questions as to why this trial has been given to me. Its definetly "Reshaping" me. I think I will gain the full perspective of why later. Today was great! I am 14 weeks. I tried to hold it together when I heard the heartbeat a second time today, but in the back of my mind I was beating down my excitement, telling myself that I heard Luke and Hunters at this stage. I did lose 3 lbs, and everything "seems" perfect! I truly feel we will have another child. I just hope its Now! Can I be selfish? I won't do this again. One thing I have gained from this is the stronger desire for this child. I can feel it SO strongly. Its a driving force in me, otherwise I would not subject myself to this experience a third time in a year! My body is not holding up! I never lose the baby weight easily anyways, but I am at my worst right now. Like I said, I am ready to move on with all aspects of my life! the other exciting thing is that my sister is due 2 weeks exactly after me! I am June 5th, she is the 19th. My doctor is seeing me in 2 weeks for an ultrasound and then weekly, until we pass the danger zone. So I should know really soon what the baby is, although it is usually the most exciting day of pregnancy for me, it is my biggest fear this time, as we found no heartbeats on the boys at the gender ultrasound. So of course all I want for Christmas is a heartbeat, and a sense of peace.
3 comments:
Oh Kem, I'll be praying for you. 10 yrs ago can seem like yesterday can't it? Congratulations you two. It really is something to hold those covenants and commitments.
We will definitely be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers these next couple of months. We hope everything goes well and you get the little one you deserve =)
I know this has been such a roller coaster of a year (plus) for you, and that you have been dealing with so much- but I think your handling everything pretty well, one day at a time. You know you can always count on me for anything, just say the word! And while I know and understand the real practical fear, I'm optimistic for you, and yes, you deserve everything to work out perfectly.
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